Kent Brockman: Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade.
Mr. Burns: Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city! No one will be spared! No one!
One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere.
One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
"It was the best of times. It was the 'blurst' of times?" You stupid monkey!
"It was the best of times. It was the 'blurst' of times?" You stupid monkey!
Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man.
This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man.
And this happy little fellow is the gouger.
Lisa, so you won't be scared, I'll show you some of the tools I'll be using. This is the scraper. This is the poker. And this happy little fellow is the gouger. Now, the first thing I'll be doing is chiseling some teeth out of your jawbone. Hold still while I gas you.
Oh my God! He is coming on to me.
Mr. Burns: We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
Homer's Brain: Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
Mr. Burns: And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Homer's Brain: Wait a minute. Is he coming on to me?
Mr. Burns: I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
Homer's Brain: Oh my God! He is coming on to me.
Mr. Burns: After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckles, winks, clicks tongue]
Homer's Brain: Ahh!
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