Mr. Burns: Snappy, you know it's hard to imagine, but I was once a barefoot boy with cheek of tan. I dreamed of grand slam homeruns and wiping out nations with the stroke of a pen.
Smithers as Snappy: Well there's still time for all those things, sir.
Mr. Burns: Is there? Controlled nuclear fission is a demanding mistress, Snappy.
Smithers: Sir, I feel there's something you're not telling me. Perhaps you'd feel more comfortable talking to Snappy the Alligator.
Mr. Burns: Maybe...
Smithers as Snappy: Hello, Mr. Burns.
Smithers: What's wrong sir, did I get some in your eyes? The shampoo specifically said "No More Tears."
Mr. Burns: A lovely promise, but one beyond the powers of a mere shampoo.
Smithers: It's a breakthrough product, sir: scientifically formulated to rinse clean with no oily deposits.
Mr. Burns: [bored] Hot dog.
Smithers: And it's mild enough to use every day!
Mr. Burns: [tired] Isn't life grand?
Cough syrup! Nothing but plain, ordinary, over the counter children's cough syrup!
Fools! You poor, pathetic, misguided creatures, choking down your Flaming Moe's. All the time wondering, "How does he do it?" Well, I'm going to tell you. The secret ingredient is...
Moe: Flaming Moe's.
Bart: Uh yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.
Moe: [into phone] Hold on. I'll check. [to crowd] Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass.
Hugh: Oh, I'm Hugh Jass.
Moe: Telephone.
Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
Bart: Uh... hi.
Hugh: Who's this?
Bart: Bart Simpson.
Hugh: What can I do for you, Bart?
Bart: Uh, look. I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta backfired and I'd like to bail out right now.
Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up] What a nice young man.
How could you do this to me, Moe? This bar was going under and it was the drink I invented that saved it. If there was any justice, my face would be on a bunch of crappy merchandise.
Moe: Ladies and gentlemen, some new buddies of mine stopped by tonight. Maybe we can get 'em to come up here. How about a warm "Flaming Moe's" welcome for Aerosmith?
Aerosmith: I don't think so, Moe. Yeah, we're just hangin' out.
Moe: C'mon, guys. Free pickled eggs.
Aerosmith: Alright! Yeah!
Whoa! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited.
I don't know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.
You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad.
I got behind on my beer payments. The distributor cut me off and I spent my last ten grand on the "Love Tester."
Homer: Could I get a beer?
Moe: Uh, yeah, sure. Oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer.
Homer: Ahh!
Homer: Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?
Bart: Because I'm jinxed, dammit!
Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.
Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.
...
Wanda: It's a dustpan.
Lisa: The wax never lies.
Janey: Lisa, your brother is so gross!
Lisa: You should smell his room.
Kent Brockman: We watch Springfield's oldest man meet Springfield's fattest man.
Homer: He's not so fat.
Coming up next, an elephant who never forgets... to brush!
