One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere.

One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere, like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel. And in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Give me five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now, where were we? Oh yeah! The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.

Monorail!

Lyle Lanely: I swear it's Springfield's only choice. Throw up your hands, and raise your voice!

Crowd: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: What's it called?

Crowd: Monorail!

Lyle Lanley: Once again!

Crowd: Monorail!

Get to the money!

Get to the money!

Let's get him a present.

Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!

Homer: Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth." "The nurses are stealing my money." "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Marge: Now this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about. Our son did something wrong and you look the other way.

Homer: But Marge, look at that hangdog expression. He's learned his lesson. Let's get him a present.

I don't have to sit here and take this. I ... [falls asleep, snores]

I don't have to sit here and take this. I ... [falls asleep, snores]

It looks so easy! Just like carving a turkey.

Marge: You are NOT going to perform that operation yourself.

Homer: But Marge! It looks so easy! Just like carving a turkey.

I got down on the floor for this?

Bart: Game's over, Grampa.

Grampa: I got down on the floor for this?

Yes, move the... what's a joystick?

Bart: Grampa, if you wanna go right...

Grampa: Yes...

Bart: ...joystick to the left.

Grampa: Yes, move the... what's a joystick?

Hey Grampa, top me off.

Bart: Hey Grampa, top me off.

Grampa: Are you sure your Ma lets you kids drink coffee?

Bart: For the last time, yes!

Oh, just give me the list! I can read.

Marge: Now if Maggie runs a fever, you call this number. If she sticks her finger in an electrical socket, call this number. If she drinks pine cleanser, call this--

Grampa: Oh, just give me the list! I can read.

A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one.

A millionaire!? Ooh, I kept the wrong one. Look son, I'll come as soon as I can get out of here. In the meantime, PLEASE don't do anything stupid.

Interesting theory.

Grampa: What are you blubbering about?

Homer: This makes me feel special, Dad. Since I'm the one you kept, that must mean you really love me.

Grampa: Mmm, interesting theory.

Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.

Armistice treaty, article four. Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger. Article five. Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist. Article six. Although Nelson shall have no official power, he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighborhood.